But lately, I’ve been feeling a few sparks of interest and possibly even a little desire.  I’ve actually blown through a couple of books in the past few weeks and I’m on the path towards finishing another.  This has been a refreshing change, since reading this year has been so tedious and difficult.  My book pile has grown beyond manageable and if I were to take a two month vacation just to read, I’m confident I couldn’t finish all the books I have in my “to read” pile.

Today is the first time I’ve written in this journal since February and even though I’ve wanted to sit and write at times, I’ve not been able to bring myself to actually perform the act of doing it.  I love to write, even though I’m not that good at it.  Something about it is comforting and soothing and it helps my mind rest.  I always feel better when I’m able to think through something and put it into words.  It’s like medicine for my soul and it provides an outlet for the jumbled mess that often clutters up my mind.

My soul has certainly needed a reset.  I’m confident if I had kept writing this whole year, my journal would sound more like lamenting than real writing, so I really hope that today is the official reset for the bogged down complacent state of numbness I have been in.  I hope today marks the beginning of a refreshed state of being, a renewed sense of existence, and the start of a time in my life where I can write and read and create a feeling of newness once again.

You see, I’ve been having this secret affair and it’s been going on for quite some time now.  Years!  Deep in the pit of my gut I want to burst out like Buddy and proclaim to all around me “I’m in love, I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!”  I’m to the point where I don’t care about the implications anymore.  I don’t care about what it will cost me.  I’m sure I might experience isolation from some of my friends when they find out.  And, my neighbors might not want to hang out with me anymore.  Thoughts I’m sure that have caused me to keep my affair a secret for so long.

Today I’d like to confess my shame and embarrassment.  It’s not doing me any good to keep this a secret any longer.  It’s really only hurting me and all those around me that I love so much.  Those that God loves so much.

I confess right now to having an affair with the Bride of Christ.  Jesus.  I’ve used him for my glory and gratification.  I admit I’ve not lived like I should and it has only caused destruction to those who know me.  I’ve not allowed this relationship to be open and free for everyone and my life certainly hasn’t proclaimed the good news that comes with this kind of relationship.  I certainly have kept it an affair and I’m not proud of it.

If you’re reading this right now, I’m willing to bet that if you were to get really, really honest with yourself, you might have to confess your affair with Jesus too.  I think we can call it an affair, because we’ve just been playing around.  We haven’t really been serious about the relationship, unless it was to benefit ourselves, or to bail us out of trouble when we needed it.  And before you start to justify your behavior, can I ask you a question?

How many people have you discipled since you’ve been in your relationship with Jesus?  We’ll fore go calling it “being a Christian” or “Saved” because the more I learn about being an Apostle or Disciple, the more I realize those are terms created to consumerize Christ.  We like to call it Christianity.  And we like to think that once we’ve labeled ourselves in this way, we’re free to “be” and “live” how we like.  Especially when it comes to Church.  Once a week…on Sunday…when we fulfill our duty, check it off our list, then head out for the week to live our lives.

I guess that’s why I’m being totally honest today with this confession.  I’m just tired of living that kind of life and I’m glad I made the decision to change.  Now I just need to trust in this relationship and that it can be lived outside of a secret affair.

I fear the church has lost sight of what it really means to be useful in God’s kingdom.  We tend to put a lot of emphasis on programs and policy’s and very little emphasis on people.  If you think I’m wrong, then the next time you walk into a church building, just count how many different “programs” are in effect on a given Sunday morning.  Do it! Count them!  Look at the effort and energy that is being wasted during a two hour period on Sunday morning.

The argument can be made that the programs are in place for “the people” but if we get really honest about the programs, they really are designed for the people who are already inside the doors of the building and not for those people who have not yet stepped in, or may never step in.

If the emphasis was truly on the person or people, then we’d go.  We would simply dismiss all the efforts we have tied up into the political aspects of “doing church” and we would simply just be the church in every breath and moment of our day.

Church can not be defined as an event that takes place once a week on Sunday.  It must become the very essence of who we are.  When we finally believe that we are the church, then and only then, will we finally feel we are being useful in the kingdom.  I know we’ll see lives changed, people saved from sin and guilt, and a group of people who get to experience sabbath on a weekly basis.  The reason I know it, is because I’m experiencing it.

I’ve been conditioned for 37 years into believing that church is what takes place within the walls of a building on Sunday mornings, but have learned in the past year what it’s really like to live and be a part of the kingdom of God.  I’ve felt rest and experienced God’s grace.  I’ve felt forgiveness from friends, witnessed lives changed, people transformed, and birth of new opportunities for people to experience “church” for the very first time.  I’ve seen smiles on faces, tears of joy in people’s eyes.  I’ve sensed the presence of the Holy Spirit, worshiped through prayer, argued over scripture with friends, only to feel their love more deeply.  I’ve grown as a person, felt peace in my heart, and gained a new and fresh perspective of what it feels like to be in communion with God.

I’ll NEVER say we’ve arrived.  I’ll always push for us to think beyond our comfort, to dig deeper, to learn more, to wrestle with tough issues, to go into marginalized areas, and to pray that God will ALWAYS be with us.

Please don’t take this as a pointing of fingers that “we” are doing it right and “everyone else” is doing it wrong.  That’s not the point I’m trying to make.  I just want others to see and recognize the beauty in simplicity and how our focus should be on those who don’t know who Jesus is.

Today I pray you will embrace your usefulness in the kingdom, by placing emphasis on people who don’t know Jesus, over programs designed to serve people who already know Christ.

At least that’s what I’m praying for myself.

It’s hard to lead other’s when you put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect.

It stifles, strains, and leaves you feeling defeated most of the time.

I’ve wondered for about a year now, why it has been so difficult for me to write.  I’ve blamed most of the problem on God or His lack of  presence.  I’ve complained about feeling dry, distant from him, and just not having any desire at all. However, I’m not sure any of that is really the truth.

As I sit her this morning listening for God, I can’t help but feel He is finally revealing to me why I’ve not been able to write and all excuses point directly to my desire to be perfect.  The desire I once had to write and share my heart was pushed away and smothered by my desire to be perfect.  I couldn’t even see it happening, but all the work and effort I put into each and every blog post soon became dread and exhausting work.  And the sorry thing about it, I’m confident there were still mistakes and literary errors.

You see, I’m not an English major and I really sucked at writing when I was in school.  Maybe I still do, but the difference between then and now is, I once had to write for a grade, now I write because I need to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head.  It’s now needed to free my soul and that’s why I want to write, but the perfectionist inside me has nearly killed any desire I have to ever write again.

I feel that maybe today God has given me back a precious gift.  The gift of knowing none of us are perfect, no matter how hard we try, and what’s so much more important than being perfect is being honest.  Not just with others, but with ourselves.

I know I’m not perfect…I make a million mistakes a day.  But the effort and desire to be perfect is killing me.  Today I’d like to make a pledge to just be honest and be myself.  I’m going to make grammatical errors and I’m sure I might violate the rules of English in every blog I write, but I’ve gotta write and if that means making a few mistakes along the way, then so be it!

Copyright by URBANeyeSTUDIO

I’m not a prophet and I can’t say I’ve ever heard God speak out loud to me.  I’m also quite confident I’ve never seen a literal burning bush.  But, when I wake up humming the song Save You by Kelly Clarkson, I question if it’s God trying to say something to me.  Especially on the morning of a day that is specifically designed to seek and hear God.

Today was planned.  It didn’t just happen by chance.  I’ve negotiated a deal with my family to give me five hours to myself at least once a month this year, and today was the day.  I’ve felt like I’ve needed it, my counselor definitely thinks I need it, and I’ve certainly felt an impression by God drawing me to this place.  I need time alone to spend with Him.  To draw closer and near to the one who has created me.  I have a deep need within my soul to feel His presence and to know that He’s there, listening, and desiring to be near me.

But, so often I screw all of that up.  I get busy, lazy, complacent in my mere existence, and before you know it my thoughts are no longer centered on God.  They are about me, my life, what I can get out of it and how I can be comfortable and happy.  Then things get crazy, out-of-balance, and I start screwing everything up.

The truth is; when there’s not much quality coming in, there’s probably not much quality going out.

That’s when I know I need saving.  I know without a doubt that I need God to “save me.”  Yes, from my sin, but ultimately from myself.  When I get to the point where I’m relying too much on my own “self” that’s when I need God to save me the most.  I need to be rescued, redeemed, and centered again.

I’m thankful He communicated that message to me in such a simple way this morning.  It wasn’t complicated or confusing.  It simply got me thinking and He did all the rest.